November has come...not really.

Whooo....It's me again after such a long silence! Well homeboys...Yes? I'm still with James...I know I scare myself too! Don't get me wrong he's ....well he's James...He's insanely jealous...Like he gives me a run for my money! Brandon and Frankie have been coming over ... alot! all like oh Bianca I have a crush on you...well you know what buddy...There is no way in hell I'd like him so I was really ackward because don't get me wrong he's a good friend...but he's Brandon! You just can't like Brandons...Well...I must prepare for James's arrival.....Speaking of James's Is that how you write it I mean his name is already plural! What kind of freak has a plural name! DAMNIT!
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    Gorrilas - Los Mananas
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You can make me breath eternally

What the hell! Gosh James....He's definately a heart attack waiting to me! Like I'm always worried about him. I just don't feel comfortable with his lifestyle. He's awesome to be with though. I just can't do anything but hope that he'll be safe and return from his mom's house without any missing limbs or holes blown through his body. Gosh he just makes me so nervous. Speaking of nervous Like yesterday He spent the whole day with me and I feel really comfortable around him and like he was nervous. And like he told me like about the dirty stuff (Which I am really comfortable with trust me!) that he was nervous because "They can make a relationship better or totally fuck them up and I don't want you to be all Eww don't touch me." I reasurred him that the only way I'd say that to him was if he like tried to stick his thumb up my butt or something

Please god don't let him ever have the urge to do that. Like I'd have to cut something of his off his body. I'm kind of upset like he's all like "Please call me tommorow and I'll see if my mom can come pick you up." So I did and like he did't answer he's too busy at church...weiner face. I have a sudden urge to go watch the Live Aid dvd just so I can watch Duran Duran...You know what I'm going to....Yes yes I am. Well yes...Oh by the way I had such an awesome time yesterday with James. He's really cool to hang out with. Like it might take him time before he's totally comfortable with everything at my house. Like I'm one of those kind of people that no matter where I am I'm comfortable. So like I can't really know where Jame's is coming about that But I'm trying really hard to make him feel comfortable.
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Yay for me

Jame's is coming over tommorow! Yes Sex! Yea that's right I said a naughty word. Like I'm forcing Jame's to listen to me read all my journal entries and like I know He's bored as hell but it's cute that he's pretending to be interested! Yay I can't wait till he comes over tommorow Like I know it's going to be boring as hell but like we'll actually get to spend the day together so that'll be cool. I have grass on my feet..... Like some kind of grassy bastard! Jame's laughs funny. And he says I'm a weirdo and a grassy freak! That on the inside! He stole my phrase! How mean is that Like that was mine and he takes it...well i guess i have to share with him since he's my boyfriend but I only have to share for like a few more weeks because he's going back to friggin Gary and leaving me!!!! No he's not. Pantera is nice I like them..well I'm going to actually talk to him since my silence is boring.....later gator.
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Wow I left school early! I hope Jame's isn't going to be mad. I really didn't feel good. Like I fell asleep in orcheastra and then like I didn't want to wake up and like when i did wake up my head hurt so bad so I went to the nurse and she let me leave! Yay for me. I'm so tired and I've been sleeping all day. I watched a really good movie It was one of those old horror movies. They rock! I just got paid so I think I'm going to go buy things...I'm probably just going to go to the mall and buy clothes....Like usual. I just got the new Mudvayne cd It's really good. Jame's likes number three! I knew I was a good influence on him! I was so proud I could have cried...but i didn't want to mess up my make I didn't...But i would have if the circumstances where different. Well I must

Your Lord and Master,
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    sleepy sleepy


Okay so I just friggin woke up damnit! I have officially ruined my weekend...Due to me taking way too many pain killers (it hurt!) That I recieved from the very nice black lady at the E.R. last weekend. So like they made me pass out after I got back from Jame's house. Like wow I thought his Family would be totally different. His mom's really nice and so is his...other mom. And his Uncle Stevie reminds me of Johnny Depp in The Secret Window. Like his Uncle Stevie is so cool I was secretly rooting him on all day like. "Yea Uncle Stevie You Smoke That Ciggarette You Smoke It Good!" And other such things! Gosh Oh and Jame's little brother Is SOOOO Cute! He looks fluffy!...and he kept calling his uncle like the dickless wonder...It made me happy in my pants.

I kept doing really stupid shit at Jame's It's a good thing I can barely concentrate on writing this or I'm sure I'd be embarrassed right now.

Gosh I just can't get over how Johnny Depp Like Jame's uncle is. Like he was so cool. And he had nice hair...and he eats ice cream to drown his sorrows. How cool is that?

Jame's sister was alittle...well...She didn't attack me. She always has a pissed off look though...Oh and there was kittens popping out everywhere. See a few weeks ago I got lonely and decided to have sex with Jame's cat and well...I got the cat pregnent. So like the cat's having my baby's everywhere while I'm there. They looked like rats. like his mom's all like Yay kittens Bianca go look...and I'm just they're ugly...was I that ugly when i came out?

Yes I am calling god...
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(miserable noise)

Oh gosh I had the worse dream last night. I have to talk to him so badly. I'm so miserable. I'm the most dangerous to myself when I'm alone thinking! Well I'm going to take a shower so I can have a clear head.
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    Dancing with tears in my eyes- UltraVox

I am Pathatic

No I really any Pathatic. I'm reading old conversation things on my old journals with my ex boyfriends Dan and Derek. Like It's sad..Like I'm reading through them and crying. Lol I'm a weird one. I'm just really thinking maybe James met someone in Gary or liek something. But no thats not possible. I hope it's not thats all i can do is hope. Please It would really crush me. I don't think i could handle that right now. I've made up my mind I'm going to call him tommorow in the morning/afternoon and just ask him. I really need closure or hopefully Hope.
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    I'm still dancing with tears in my eyes.

I've had a change of heart

Okay Like I've totally changed my mind because I've been really thinking when it comes to James. Like he couldn't really call from his mom's house because she doesn't have long distance so he'd go over to his aunts and try to call me from there and like i never answered the phone because I was sleeping and whenever I tried to call him he was in the shower or out with his dad which is understandable and like I know what it's like to not have your dad there and when you finally do you want to spend as much time as you can with them because they are YOUR DAD. So like I was being selfish i'm just so used to having dan there all the time when I wanted and Like Derek was always there when I wanted him and Like I totally took them for granted. I'm tired of being a Bitch and pushing people away.

I don't want to push James away. I need him. He really helps me calm down and like in this short month that we've been together I've learned alot about myself. Like I want to be a better person just for him. He's sort of like a safe home for me (wow kinda sounds like anthrax *the band idiots*) But seriously like i barely know him but I really do have a comfort zone for him. I know I love him if I'm willing to risk forever not being able to be the worlds biggest bitch. James is really important to me and if he'd ever leave me at least he's taught me to be a better person so I couldn't hold anything against him. All I can do is try to keep him happy with being with me. Everything else doesn't matter. I care about him..As much as I don't like admitting it.

All though I must admit I'm horribly scared of feeling like this. Like in the back of my mind I'm thinking that he doesn't like me because he's not making as much of an effort as I am to call me or like I don't know because he goes to my school I always think he's going to cheat on me. I just have to trust him. I can't go one forever acusing people of things they haven't even done yet. He's a good guy and he hasn't done anything yet for me to not trust him. I can't judge James based on my horrible experiences that I've had before. In the event that he does turn out to be another peice of shit I have to no choice but to learn from this experience and not just grow cold and miserable. All the other times I just got alittle bit more distant and more bitchy and less trusting. But I need to be able to start over on a clean slate because no matter How much I fool myself into thinking James is no Derek. James is James and I am (Scary to say but it's true) horribly in Love with James. All day something has reminded me of James. Like he's worth shedding tears for...which unfortunately I did today....(In secret!) But like I just need to be a good girlfriend and love him and thats all I can really do.

My dad came to my work today to hang out with me. It was really nice. I love having my old dad back. Thats probably why I feel so bad for being (yes I admit it) Kinda jealous about James being with his dad so much. But, now that i have my dad I feel so guilty. Like our dads may have not been the best of dads in the past but they are still our dads. But just like I'm afraid with James I'm scared to get close to my dad. Like i just think he's going to be the way he was and just leave me.

It's just that in the past I've lost so many people that i cared about. People whom I thought cared about me. Like when James first said he loved me I freaked out and tried to act like i couldn't hear it...But I liked hearing it...It's strange..Hell i'm strange...But...oh well. I'll take care of each day as it happens. Untill Then I Bid You Au Du.
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    Ultra Vox - Dancing with Tears in my eyes

Fuck men

Well i have work in two hours. I caved in and tried calling "Him" It's all bullshit! I swear to god. I'm not going to talk to him for three days when he tries calling like he did to me. Go to hell biotch! As Linnette previously stated in my journal I do have alot of people who care about me who aren't white trash. But I guess it's just in my nature to go after things I can't have.

Gosh I've just been so emotional. Like me and my mom were fighting outside and her sumo wrestling ass throws me down on the cement floor of the fucking garage and screams random "Your a piece of shit" phrases. I got my favorite. "You're just like your loser father." I don't really know what i did to her. So I just kind of took it while she threw me around the garage then hit me with the crock pot in the back....That one hurt. How she manage to lift that thing and swing it into my shoulder is beyond me...Oh well whatever gets her off.

And like after all that I was already an emotional wreck so i kept everything in and refused to be all (Boohoo I just got beaten by a Rampaging fat woman) So like i call james hoping that god would spare me another emotional thing. THEN THE FUCKER ISN'T HOME. So i threw myself on the ground futher injuring my back and shoulder and tried to listen to music...and after a few minutes tears went everywhere and messed up my perfect make up....Then i got even madder for crying and started crying even harder. And after a few minutes of turmoil I got up and looked in the mirror seeing black tear lines run down my cheek and screamed out of fustration and hit the wall.....the only thing that managed to help me do it hurt my hand...I forgot about the pain in my shoulder... So finally i calmed down and now I'm here writing about my problems...yay for me.
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    stressed stressed

Mother trucker

Thats it I've given up hope on James. I'm just tired of calling and waiting at home and shit and not doing anything because I'm worried if he'll be upset. This is shit. Like I've wasted my whole spring break and tommorow and friday I have to work. THursday I'm doing soemthing crazy and if he gets pissed oh well. Like he's making no effort to see me or call or anything. Like he says it's long distance, but it's long distance for me to. Like I called twice today and nothing so fuck him. Like i care about the kid but this is just crazy. If he wants to talk to me he'll find some way if not then whatever I'm done freaking out about it.

I'm just way too pissed off lately. I really don't like feeling this way. Like I've been so upset that I've been practically drinking my bottle of Nyquil so I just pass out and forget about being mad. I can't be happy I hope i don't overdose on Kodine. Well....if i did i wouldn't have to worry about being upset all the time...

Oh gosh what should i do. I'm like really high maintence unfortunately and I need attention. And I'm so not getting any lately. But, like the reason everything is bothering me so much is because I care way too much about this guy. WHY?!?!?!? Damn me this feeling thing. I should have learned from ....(dum dum dum) Them. Like i don't like thinking about him so much and i don't like always worrying about weither he's getting hurt or if he's doing drugs or if he's going to drink too much and die like hendrix or If he's out there screwing all those nasty ass white trash whores. I mean like if he did It wouldn't hurt quite as much.

Should i call him? I'm pretty sure I could get ahold of him tonight. But, I'm so mad about everything! Damnit.
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